cryptomemes

These blue check "experts" really don't get tired. Calling the frog dead every single week like clockwork. $PEPE

#pepe #pepecoin🐸 #memecoin #CryptoMemes #viral

It started so innocently.

My grandma, bless her heart, still thinks the cloud is literally floating in the sky.
She calls me every time her iPad runs out of battery even though it's plugged in.
So when she called last Tuesday and said, Sweetie, I want to buy some of that Bitcoin everyone's talking about, I should have just pretended the call dropped.

I didn't. And now my family wants me dead.

The Phone Call

Grandma, do you even know what Bitcoin is? I asked.

Of course, dear. It's money on the computer. Like when I send checks but faster.

I explained that it's decentralized digital currency not controlled by any government or bank.
I mentioned blockchain technology. I used the phrase distributed ledger.
By the end, she was silent for so long I thought she'd hung up.

Grandma?

I'm going to need you to write that down and mail it to me, she said. Slowly. In cursive.

The Investment

Against every instinct in my body, I helped her set up a wallet.

I told her to start small. Just dip your toe in, I said. Like when you test bath water with your elbow.

She bought $50 worth of Bitcoin.

Then she bought $50 more.

Then she called me at 3 AM because her investment had gone up $2 and she was convinced she could retire.

Grandma, it's 3 AM.

The market never sleeps, sweetie. That's what the internet said.

The Group Chat

This is where things got dark.

My cousin Karen (yes, really) found out I was "managing Grandma's crypto portfolio." Suddenly, the family group chat exploded.

So you're day trading with Grandma's social security money? Uncle Rick

Is this even legal? I saw a Netflix documentary about this. Aunt Linda

I want in. How do I buy the Shiba one? The dog is cute.
My cousin Kevin, who once lost $5,000 on a timeshare in a state he's never visited

I tried to explain that I wasn't managing anything, that Grandma was doing this herself, that I was just the tech support. Nobody believed me.

Then came the family Zoom call.

The Intervention

Twelve family members stared at me through screens. My mom had her I'm not mad, just disappointed face on.

My dad was eating popcorn like this was premium entertainment.

"Explain yourself," Uncle Rick demanded.

I literally just helped Grandma set up an account

She's up $17! Karen interrupted.
We all did the math.
That's a 34% return! What are you hiding?"

Markets fluctuate, that's not

Fluctuate this! Kevin held up a printed screenshot of Dogecoin's logo. I still don't know what that meant.

Grandma, the actual mastermind, sat quietly, crocheting what looked like a scarf made entirely of Bitcoin logos.

The Current Situation

Grandma now has a hardware wallet that she keeps in her safe deposit box. She calls it her "crypto cookie jar." She's up $43 total and has started explaining blockchain to her bridge club.

Meanwhile, I've been disowned by three family members who think I'm running a secret crypto empire and cut them out. Uncle Rick started his own Bitcoin mining operation in his garage and melted his circuit breaker. Kevin lost $200 on a meme coin called "PizzaCoin" because he thought it was affiliated with Domino's.

And me? I changed my phone number. I'm considering a new identity.

Last week, Grandma sent me a card. Inside was a $20 bill and a sticky note that said: "This is still real money, right? Love, Grandma."

I don't know anymore, Grandma. I don't know anything anymore.

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