I've been in this mode for about two years now.
During this time, I learned what it feels like to deceive my close ones. After getting my paycheck over the weekend, I planned to head home to my parents in the village — but I left my entire paycheck at the casino that same day. I told my mom I took out cash and lost it on the way from the ATM. I went back to look for it — found nothing. It's the situation's fault. Not mine.
Then there was a story that was beyond belief. I was sitting with my buddies, drinking beer. Came home — thought, let's play: I've got money, payday is coming. I bet everything, about 50 bucks. And what brilliant idea came to my mind? — who the hell knows. Call the cops with a statement: "scammers withdrew money from my card." The story ended with nothing — the squad came, smiled, and left.
Time passed, I fell in love. We worked at the same job, she's from Western Ukraine, I'm from the South. Fell hard — like the first time. I started getting my act together, everything was going well. Then she went back home. I started visiting her occasionally, we started a long-distance relationship. Soon it got pretty exhausting, and I suggested moving in together in a couple of months — I'd save up, rent an apartment, we'd manage somehow. In the end, I saved a bit, but just a little short. The day of her arrival was already set.
And here we are — a day before her arrival.
I was drinking beer, came home — bored, thought, let's play modestly. Deposit. Win after win. +5k. +10k. +30k. I look at the balance — 120k. Well, holy shit. Now I can afford anything. When she arrives — oh how I'll spoil her. I need to celebrate. I go to the kitchen, open a bottle of whiskey, start drinking like there's no tomorrow. I think, let me spin a bit more — the balance allows, sleeping from endorphins is not an option anyway. -1k. -2k. -3k. No worries, we keep spinning. The balance still allowed for about four more hours.
Balance — 0.
I'm in shock. Just had some cash — and now I'm broke. In just a few hours. I'm starting to withdraw everything left from my card. Losing. Zero. What to do? Right — there's a limit on Privat, 70k. I'm depositing 10k, I've never done that before. Betting 100 UAH. -50k on the credit card. I have a second one — Abank, also a limit of 50k. All going there. Result: from 120k on balance — 0, plus minus 100k on two credit cards. With a salary of 14-15k.
I felt so down, it's hard to describe. Tilt. Tomorrow my favorite girl is coming — and I can't even buy a pack of cigarettes. I found one way out: I just turned off my phone for two days. Fell into my first real depression — slept all that time, didn't eat. I was sick of myself. Of who I've become, what I've done. I didn't know how to get out of such situations — I'd never faced anything like this in life.
The girl arrived — good thing she had a place to stay in my city because I had frozen up. Her sister lived here too. Since then we didn't talk for a long time: I was ashamed to write when I got back to myself, and she thought... who knows what she thought.
But that's just... Just the beginning of the journey. Ahead of me awaited — I didn't know it then — returning debts to the banks, getting to know crypto and futures, microloans, and everything related.
If you're reading this with judgment — fuck off. Just like with your condolences. I don't care. I'm writing this for myself, I want to keep it in my history, on this channel. To be continued.