1. Buy the exact top, every time*
The secret is to identify the absolute peak of each cycle (usually the moment Elon tweets a Shiba Inu wearing sunglasses) and go 100 % all-in with 50× leverage. When the market dumps 85 %, simply repeat the process on the way down. This is called “dollar-cost-averaging upward.” By the time $BTC hits 120 k again you will have accumulated so many liquidation candles that the sheer heat from your screen will mint you an NFT titled “Regret #447192.” Sell it for seven figures to a hedge fund doing “due diligence.”
2. **Marry a stablecoin that ghosts you**
Find the shadiest algorithmic stablecoin with the highest APY (currently yielding 19,994 % because the website is written in Comic Sans). Deposit everything you own, plus the deed to your house. When it inevitably depegs to $0.0000042 overnight, the irony itself will become so concentrated that it collapses into a wealth singularity. You will wake up with 1.2 million dollars in a wallet you don’t remember creating. Do not ask where it came from. Just pay your taxes in Dogecoin and move on.
3. Summon the ghost of Paul Volcker in a bear-market ritual
At 3:33 a.m. during the lowest-volume Sunday of the year, draw a pentagram on the floor using expired Bed Bath & Beyond coupons. Place a laser-eyed profile picture in the center, light three red candles shaped like J. Powell’s face, and chant CUTRates backwards 33 times. Volcker’s ghost will appears,he'llscream “I WILL CRUSH YOU ALL” and accidentally snip the entire crypto market cap in half again. In the resulting panic, Bitcoin will briefly trade at $0.69. Buy exactly 69,420 BTC at that price. When the glitch corrects itself you will be the only millionaire left because everyone else got liquidated.
Remember: if you ever feel doubt, just swhisper, “I’m sorry, Jerome… I’m afraid I can’t sell.” 
