Gold hits 5,000 dollars - the old metal finally discovers its inner influencer.

After centuries of silence, it rebrands as the ultimate ‘store of value’ just in time for boomers to feel young again.

Central banks applaud from their marble offices, tweeting proudly that they’ve ‘HODLed since 1816.’

Meanwhile, crypto maxis pretend not to notice, quietly googling ‘tokenized bullion yield strategies.’

The spectacle now trades in nostalgia - the revolution streamed in 4K, sponsored by the same vaults we once wanted to escape.